I tried so hard to avoid my uncle when I had to stay at his house. I learned to for the most part but he still got to me. He would usually sneak up on me and he would sexually abuse me.
He started abusing me when I was in kindergarten. I was too little to know what was going on. It felt gross and I was ashamed. I always had a stomach ache and felt dread every time I had to go to his house.
I did not know how to say what he was doing. I was embarrassed and confused
I was always looking for a chance to say something to my mom but I was too scared. He told me no one would believe me.
Finally years after I had started to be abused (and still was being) something came up in the news about a girl who was raped in a town nearby. She was my age. By that time I knew what rape was. I didn’t know before.
I kept thinking about it. It bothered me so much.
A couple of days later I blurted out to my mother that my uncle did that to me.
She acted as if she did not hear me at first and then said that I was just imagining it- that it must have been a bad dream since I saw that clip on the news and that I should just put it out of my mind and ask God to take those thoughts away. That was the end of that talk and I never brought it up again till I was an adult.
From that second on I took her advice and pretended that it never happened. We went on as a nice little family and that everything was like it was on Leave it to Beaver.
It wasn’t until I was an adult when I had flashbacks and it became clear to me that I didn’t make it up. I talked to my mother and she denied that I ever told her. Then I doubted myself again.
I have lived most of my life feeling awful about myself. I am insecure and don’t feel good about my body. I don’t trust anybody and I can’t seem to have any normal relationship with men.
I beat myself up all the time. I don’t EVER feel good or pretty or as if people like me. I am so mean to myself! I hate feeling so bad about myself.
It is bad enough to be sexually abused but when your own mother doesn’t believe you you don’t believe in yourself! Mothers are supposed to be the person who will do anything to protect you. She didn’t
It’s taken a long time for me to realize that my mom picked the easy and comfortable way out. I don’t put her on a pedestal like I used to. I have had to walk away from her because I know that what she did by not helping and protecting me wrecked my life.
It has taken me a long time to work this out in my mind. I don’t know if I will ever be ok or normal but I keep trying. I have a good therapist who is helping a lot. She is teaching me ways to make me feel good about myself and cope with both my abuse and the horrible way my mom didn’t handle it or help me.
I am surviving day by day.