Story 12

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse , physical abuse and verbal abuse .

My memories are very clear , I sometimes wish they weren’t . I was verbally abused by my mother , I always remember her saying harsh words . I was fat , ugly , worthless . she told me I was blamed for my twin dying during pregnancy . nobody would love me , everyone would be better off if I was dead . This was my life with her always. Never hugged me or told me she love me.

My sexual abuse was the worst . my abuser was my older brother ( 7 years older) . it started when I was 5 . my parents left me alone with him while they went close shopping for school .
My brother called me in his room . when I got there he was sitting on his bed , look at me said you love me ? I said yeah your my big brother . He said take your clothes off , I said why ?
He said because he had to check me make sure I was ready . it was ok after I could go to bed . I said no , he got up started choking me said do what I say or I’m telling mom you were bad . so being scared of my mother I did .

I remember him looking at me up down , walk around me the gave me hug said good I won’t tell mom . go to bed now .

I was confused but I didn’t know what happen what to do .

I remember that morning after , he came to me and hugged me again , said I did good last night. Mom was  proud of you.

After this my parents left me home alone with him a lot .

So again it happen , and again and again . eventually he started touching me , making me watch him touch him self, making me touch him , made me look through porn magazine with him . Each time got worse and worse .

I didn’t understand what was happening , I felt so alone . I remember his hands running down me , I remember him forcing my hands on him . I remember closing my eyes wishing it would all in .

I always said why are we doing this . he told me all big brothers do this , sister don’t tell ,if you do I’ll kill you .

At age 7 I told my parents parents I didn’t like to be alone with him . they said he’s your brother stop trying to get him in trouble . They didn’t ask me why they did nothing.

At age 9 he raped me for the 1st time . I remember everything . he called me in the room . told me to take my dress off . i said no not doing this . he pushed me into his work out room i remember the red wall’s, the black couch he threw me on , the music he had on . it was a sunny hot summer day he had the window open . my parents were outside BBQ , I could smell the chicken on the grill.

He left my dress up , took my underwear off .  I begged him to stop , told him it hurt . he slapped me , told me to shut up . I try to run away he pulled me back by my hair chocked me said he kill me if I did that again . so I stop fighting and just cried . at the end he spit on me told me to stop being a cry baby .

Then again and again this happen . Each time I lost more and more of me . I became so numb , I just let him do what he wanted I stopped fighting. I was raped 15 times between ages 9-11. I was choked , beat up , had knives held to my throat  . I cried after each time , he’d tell me I was weak .
One of times he was raping me , my parents heard this and yelled upstairs , what are two doing up there having sex . Dinner is almost done get clean up come down . my brother looked at me said see all of this ok , we’re supposed to do this .

At 11 he stopped because he said his girlfriend was moving in , he won’t be able to teach me things anymore . He had smile on his face when he said this .  After this I thought I feel safe , I didn’t . it was funny after he stopped is when I realized how damaged I was . I was alone .
I couldn’t figure out what I did so wrong for this to happen to me . Was this normal for everyone or was I a monster . I just wanted the pain to stop I wanted to know why me ! What did I do ?

When I was 15 my parents found my journals of all my painful memories . I was slapped told I was sick , they destroyed all my journals. My mother told me I was going to ruin the family , all my brother did was love me.

I never felt so alone , nobody cared . I had my childhood stolen from me . My father , who told everyone I was little girl just sit there .

When I was 16 he tried again. He came into my room put his hand on my leg said i miss you . i went numb for a minute then he squeeze my leg and said you’ll always be mine . I said no , jumped up . he pulled me down , sit on me . I honestly don’t remember what happened from there but  I fought back and I just remember getting him off me , I ran down my stairs out of the house and ran out back to where the horses were . I called my horse got him out and I jumped on him , I saw my brother coming looking pissed , I yelled go just go boy , my horse took off , my heart was pounding I thought I was going to puke  I rode him all the way up my road and further , I didn’t get back home till the sun was going down.   I got away that time .

I moved out when I was 18 , but I live in the same town I grew up in . had to deal with them still . I got married at 22, he was there , I told him not to show but he did . that night he came to me start coping words from the best mans speach i told him stop then he look at me and told me  I should thank him for everything he showed me . I lost it I told him he was a monster , to leave and never look at me again . I ran away .

I became a Mom when I was 24 . my parents try to get me to let my brother see my daughter . I lost it I cut them from my life .

I told the world I was abused .

After that I went into therapy .

I’ve suffered from PTSD,anxiety , anorexic , bulimia , cutting and so many trust issues. I have endless list of  triggers , I’ve cried my self to sleep too many times . I’ve scrubbed my skin in the showers till  I was bleeding . I still live in the same town I grew up in .
I see my abuser a lot.  He has never faced a day in jail .

I’ve finally found peace . I’ve found my strength to share me story . I do this because I remember wishing someone would tell me I wasn’t alone . I know now I’m not , I want to help shed light on this dark truth behind child Abuse .

We suriviors aren’t alone , we’re not to blame we have the right to love and be happy !

This is my truth , thank you .

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. You show much bravery and courage. Your childhood sounds so horrible and makes me feel so sad for you. You fought to make sure your daughter is safe. That was awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jennifer says:

    You have made such incredibly brave choices. The abuse from your brother was awful … the lack of protection from your parents, unfathomable… and yet without an example of care, protection and love from your own mother, you stood up and protected your daughter, refusing to let the evil that invaded your childhood touch your daughter. What a brave, wonderful mother you are — despite the example you had! And then to bravely tell your story to shine a light, to give hope, to let others know they are not as alone as you felt… You are an amazing woman. A brave, beautiful warrior who is making a difference. Thank you. Keep speaking your truth. This world needs it. This world needs YOU!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry that you have been abused so horribly. Your post was so raw, so honest, so sad. But I can see a resilient, strong woman. You are not alone. You never will be alone. Sending you a huge hug and love. Mary

    Like

  4. Thank you for sharing your story and giving hope for others! Proud of you, Survivor!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Beth says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad for you that you are working towards healing and wholeness and you are protecting your daughter. I agree with the comment above — your strength is AMAZING.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Laura says:

    I’m so proud of you for having the courage to stand up for your self, your story touched my heart. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Your strength is amazing and beautiful. Cutting off your family is one of the most challenging things a person can do – yet you did it! I don’t know you, but I can’t stop feeling proud of how you have focused on your healing by doing (what feels like) the impossible. ❤ Thank you for sharing your story with us, warrior!

    Liked by 1 person

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