My father was an alcoholic. He would abuse my mother when he had a few too many but she always forgave him afterwards when he came home sober saying it would never happen again. I was 5 when she finally had enough and kicked him to the curb. We stayed with family for a while until we could afford a place of our own. My mother worked 3 jobs for us to survive. Eventually she started dating again. Found a man who treated her right. The only thing is he didn’t want children so she pretended she didn’t have any. Between working and seeing him we wouldn’t see her for days at a time. This went on for years.

Family finally stepped in to help my mother out. We stayed with an aunt and uncle and their daughter for a few years. My cousin was in her late teens at the time and started dating a guy much older than herself.  Eventually he moved in. He was very handsome, muscular and the most gorgeous blue eyes I have ever seen.  I’ll admit I had a crush on him. He was 30. I was 13. I wasn’t popular but I had a few close friends. I was overweight and had no self esteem what so ever. He took an interest in me for whatever reason and my cousin and aunt took it as a good thing. A father figure for me I guess and pushed us closer. We would always talk and do things together. No one thought anything of it including me. He always said I was his friend. I looked up to him and trusted him because I had no reason not to.

The night it started we all stayed up late to watch a movie. We were the only ones awake by the end of it. I went to use the restroom and he followed me. At first we just talked like we always had but this time was different. This time it was late and we were sitting on his bed. This time he put his hand between my legs. This time he rubbed my privates through my shorts for what felt like forever but was probably only a few minutes. I kept my eyes closed tight and pretended I was asleep. Finally he stopped, kissed me on the cheek and left the room. I avoided him as best as I could for a few days. Eventually I found myself alone with him and he said I was beautiful. Something I never heard someone call me before. He pushed against me and kissed me. My first kiss. He said he would make me feel special as long as I didn’t tell. I didn’t tell.

The kissing and touching went on for about 2 years. Sometimes he would make me touch him or make me watch him touch himself. He always found ways for us to be alone. Once we took a walk to the store and took a shortcut through the woods behind our house. That was the first time he made me perform oral sex on him. He always kissed my cheek or forehead after we were done and tell me I was beautiful. Tell me I was a good girl. I was confused. At times I thought he actually cared for me. He always made me feel good about myself. I thought I was in love.

When I was 15 I started dating a boy my own age. My first boyfriend. This is when he decided he was going to start penetrating me. He came into my room and climbed on top of me in my own bed. I said no, that I wasn’t ready but he was stronger than I was. He put his hand over my mouth so no one would hear me. He said he didn’t love me but I was his. He said he could have anyone he wanted and why would anyone want me. I believed him.

We would have sex any chance we could after that. I told my boyfriend at the time what was going on and he took it as I was cheating on him and things ended badly. I lied about my age and had a series of bad relationships with older men for a few years. Depression and anxiety took over and I dropped out of school. I was so confused. Did I love him? Did he love me? When I turned 18 I thought we could finally be together openly. He told me that he would always have love for me but he wasn’t in love with me. I didn’t understand how he didn’t love me but made me feel the way I felt and did the things we did. My heart broke. I ran away from home with a guy I only knew for a month. We married 3 years later and now have 2 beautiful children.

My past still sneaks up to haunt me sometimes. The man who molested and raped me contacted me on social media and apologized for everything. 15 years later. I’m battling depression and anxiety. My therapist said it’s normal to feel love towards my abuser. It doesn’t feel normal. Nothing about this is normal. Now I have a daughter who looks just like me and both my kids have my personality. I fear something like this will happen to them. But I can’t let that fear consume me every day or I’ll drown in it.