I feel empty; overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings; it feels impossible to move forward because I continue slipping back.
Punishing myself for the past and present situations; believing it is and was because of me, but also knowing others played a part.
Confusion and chaos churning inside eating away at me; slowly killing me. Stuck again in this wordless haze of confusion and heartache; at the core is anger. It is the anger that is tearing away at me; offering sick comfort, confirming what I know, what I have lived; I am worthless.
Worth less than less.
Lesser of a person because of the actions of others.
Not half of a whole anymore, even less.
If I only had one more conversation with my Mum I would want it to be this…
You don’t need to talk; you just need to listen with both ears and your heart. You are standing here in front of me today so I can tell you how your selfish choices and actions have affected me.
This will be the first and only time you will hear me say these things, so listen!
Mum, you set me up for a childhood filled with pain, silence, shame, guilt and torture from my very first breath. You withheld the most precious of gifts; your love. You took it away before I even had a chance to feel it and know it. Your distance and indifference and at times, pure hatred of me made me vulnerable to attack. I never knew what it was like to feel safe and loved and protected, only the opposite.
Growing up with you as primary caregiver, I was forever walking on uneasy ground, waiting for your next snide comment or venomous remark; what you probably don’t realise is, anything you could say to me, I was already saying much worse to myself. You fed my own self-hatred to the beast it is today.
Mum, you only ever pointed out the negatives you saw in me. Even when you tried to say something positive it was tainted. Never pure.
I can’t understand how you could and would treat me the way you did. After all, you knew from experience what it was like to be hated and unloved by your own mother. You lived it and still passed on that painful and cruel legacy. So many of the things that scarred you, you passed on to me. You knew the impact and result and did it anyway. It is this I have the most issue dealing with, because I believe you knew you were hurting me, and others would too. You knew the impact of your actions.
I have to believe the outcome was inevitable, then and now. Although, I am different to you. You still have contact with your Mum. Grandma treated you the same way you treated me, and you still make time and space for her in your life. That’s where I differ. I can’t. I cannot make any space for you any longer, you had your time and now it’s done. I also believe you never expected I would have the strength to stand up against you. You never gave me a chance; I reached a point where I had to take a chance; I had to take the chance on myself and my own healing and recovery. I had no choice. More than anything I hoped you would be supportive, but now understand that is something way beyond your capabilities.
I know you think I have bought the past back just to hurt you, but that is not the truth. The truth is the past came for me; just as when I was living it. It was living and breathing the past again, it was overwhelming and all consuming; it was suffocating and very nearly took my life. I had no choice, but to finally fight for me.
Healing from the past is one of the most difficult and heart-breaking experiences so far. Difficult to say and difficult to explain because what I lived through as a child is unspeakable and soul destroying within its own space. However it is only through healing as an adult I am feeling and knowing the gravity and extent of the past.
Everything fits together like a sick and twisted puzzle. The choices you made on the day I was born set me up for this life and its experiences. Your choices, inaction and actions are the corner pieces of my life’s puzzle. There is no denying the part you have played in all the betrayal and heartache I have faced. Your denials of the truth, constant undermining and criticisms were too much for me to bare.
My heart was continually being broken and torn and I could simply not keep putting the pieces back together; you were not hearing me, refusing to listen, you couldn’t even look at me without seeing failure; I was constantly being torn down by your venom; you were insistent on rewriting history, denying what DID happen! All these things you ALLOWED to happen.
I am tired of fighting for a relationship I have never had and a love I have never felt. You never fought for me, protecting me from danger; instead you pushed me into harm’s way and then turned away.
You cannot plead ignorance by screaming and yelling you never heard or saw anything, when you had your back turned! You never wanted to see, you knew and let it happen.
I can forgive you for what you did and didn’t do when I was a child. I know you only did what you knew. I can’t fault you for that.
I cannot and will never forgive you for all the added, unnecessary heartache because of my decision to heal. Your actions in the present added a whole different and difficult dimension to the healing process. I opened my broken and vulnerable heart to you and gave you the opportunity to help; in one of my most fragile states you turned your back AGAIN! Only this time, you took the rest of my ‘family’ with you. It is completely unfair and unjust that you have their support and I was left with nothing. No support, only anger.
There was a lot I wasn’t aware of when I was stuck in the abusive cycle that was our ‘family’. It is only since being removed, I can see just how toxic you are.
I wasn’t aware of it then, but that was the last time I would ever be able to open my heart to the possibility of a relationship with you. That day you broke my heart for the last time. I can never give you that chance again.
While I feel terrible in the decisions your actions have forced me to make, I know they are the decisions that I needed to make. I know I will not be stuck in wordlessness forever; one day I will be heard and seen for the person I am now; not because of who you thought I was and what you saw; but what I made of myself, despite you. Today I am letting go of the anger in my heart. This is the same anger that sucks the words and life from me, and leaves me drowning in everything that could have been, but for different choices.
Even though I can’t understand or comprehend the how’s and why’s of decisions you have made; I can’t make room in my life anymore either. It adds to my unease and confusion and does not help in moving forward. I am making the choice today; to not be affected by the way you have treated me. I will not let your choices steal my happiness anymore; you have had too much power for way too long. I am tired of fighting your invisible presence and harsh words of the past.
You deserve no more of my attention and energy.
I wish you a mended heart filled with compassion and love.