I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse , physical abuse and verbal abuse .

My memories are very clear , I sometimes wish they weren’t . I was verbally abused by my mother , I always remember her saying harsh words . I was fat , ugly , worthless . she told me I was blamed for my twin dying during pregnancy . nobody would love me , everyone would be better off if I was dead . This was my life with her always. Never hugged me or told me she love me.

My sexual abuse was the worst . my abuser was my older brother ( 7 years older) . it started when I was 5 . my parents left me alone with him while they went close shopping for school .
My brother called me in his room . when I got there he was sitting on his bed , look at me said you love me ? I said yeah your my big brother . He said take your clothes off , I said why ?
He said because he had to check me make sure I was ready . it was ok after I could go to bed . I said no , he got up started choking me said do what I say or I’m telling mom you were bad . so being scared of my mother I did .

I remember him looking at me up down , walk around me the gave me hug said good I won’t tell mom . go to bed now .

I was confused but I didn’t know what happen what to do .

I remember that morning after , he came to me and hugged me again , said I did good last night. Mom was  proud of you.

After this my parents left me home alone with him a lot .

So again it happen , and again and again . eventually he started touching me , making me watch him touch him self, making me touch him , made me look through porn magazine with him . Each time got worse and worse .

I didn’t understand what was happening , I felt so alone . I remember his hands running down me , I remember him forcing my hands on him . I remember closing my eyes wishing it would all in .

I always said why are we doing this . he told me all big brothers do this , sister don’t tell ,if you do I’ll kill you .

At age 7 I told my parents parents I didn’t like to be alone with him . they said he’s your brother stop trying to get him in trouble . They didn’t ask me why they did nothing.

At age 9 he raped me for the 1st time . I remember everything . he called me in the room . told me to take my dress off . i said no not doing this . he pushed me into his work out room i remember the red wall’s, the black couch he threw me on , the music he had on . it was a sunny hot summer day he had the window open . my parents were outside BBQ , I could smell the chicken on the grill.

He left my dress up , took my underwear off .  I begged him to stop , told him it hurt . he slapped me , told me to shut up . I try to run away he pulled me back by my hair chocked me said he kill me if I did that again . so I stop fighting and just cried . at the end he spit on me told me to stop being a cry baby .

Then again and again this happen . Each time I lost more and more of me . I became so numb , I just let him do what he wanted I stopped fighting. I was raped 15 times between ages 9-11. I was choked , beat up , had knives held to my throat  . I cried after each time , he’d tell me I was weak .
One of times he was raping me , my parents heard this and yelled upstairs , what are two doing up there having sex . Dinner is almost done get clean up come down . my brother looked at me said see all of this ok , we’re supposed to do this .

At 11 he stopped because he said his girlfriend was moving in , he won’t be able to teach me things anymore . He had smile on his face when he said this .  After this I thought I feel safe , I didn’t . it was funny after he stopped is when I realized how damaged I was . I was alone .
I couldn’t figure out what I did so wrong for this to happen to me . Was this normal for everyone or was I a monster . I just wanted the pain to stop I wanted to know why me ! What did I do ?

When I was 15 my parents found my journals of all my painful memories . I was slapped told I was sick , they destroyed all my journals. My mother told me I was going to ruin the family , all my brother did was love me.

I never felt so alone , nobody cared . I had my childhood stolen from me . My father , who told everyone I was little girl just sit there .

When I was 16 he tried again. He came into my room put his hand on my leg said i miss you . i went numb for a minute then he squeeze my leg and said you’ll always be mine . I said no , jumped up . he pulled me down , sit on me . I honestly don’t remember what happened from there but  I fought back and I just remember getting him off me , I ran down my stairs out of the house and ran out back to where the horses were . I called my horse got him out and I jumped on him , I saw my brother coming looking pissed , I yelled go just go boy , my horse took off , my heart was pounding I thought I was going to puke  I rode him all the way up my road and further , I didn’t get back home till the sun was going down.   I got away that time .

I moved out when I was 18 , but I live in the same town I grew up in . had to deal with them still . I got married at 22, he was there , I told him not to show but he did . that night he came to me start coping words from the best mans speach i told him stop then he look at me and told me  I should thank him for everything he showed me . I lost it I told him he was a monster , to leave and never look at me again . I ran away .

I became a Mom when I was 24 . my parents try to get me to let my brother see my daughter . I lost it I cut them from my life .

I told the world I was abused .

After that I went into therapy .

I’ve suffered from PTSD,anxiety , anorexic , bulimia , cutting and so many trust issues. I have endless list of  triggers , I’ve cried my self to sleep too many times . I’ve scrubbed my skin in the showers till  I was bleeding . I still live in the same town I grew up in .
I see my abuser a lot.  He has never faced a day in jail .

I’ve finally found peace . I’ve found my strength to share me story . I do this because I remember wishing someone would tell me I wasn’t alone . I know now I’m not , I want to help shed light on this dark truth behind child Abuse .

We suriviors aren’t alone , we’re not to blame we have the right to love and be happy !

This is my truth , thank you .